Local Revision: Wordiness

Using lots and lots of unnecessary or over-the-top words can cause the audience of the intended piece to get really really confused. To avoid this unfortunate confusion caused by lots of words it is extremely important to avoid being overly wordy. word.

WORD+WORDINESS+WORD+WORDINESS

Excerpt:

"It was a simple surgery that should've had Jahi sleeping soundly in her own bed by the next night. At 3:04 pm Jahi was wheeled into a generic operating room that smelled strongly of antiseptic chemicals and other cleaning agents. At the same time her surgeon, Doctor Frederick Rosen, vigorously scrubbed his arms in preparation for surgery, while her mother and step-father waited anxiously in the waiting room."

Revision:

Surgery should've had Jahi released the next day. In the afternoon, Jahi was taken to the operating room, while her surgeon, Dr. Frederick Rosen, prepared for surgery. Jahi's parents waited in the waiting room.

Roberts, Natalie "Magnetic Poetry" 02-13-05 via Flickr
Attribution-Noncommercial-ShareAlike 2.0

(1) "How is the rewritten section different from the original, from the perspective of your audience? Is it better? In what way? Is it worse? In what way?"

In the perspective of my audience, the revised/shortened version makes it easier to get straight to the point or in other words it prevents rambling. I think that the revised version takes the story element away from the piece. The original excerpt gives detail and provides an image, while the revised version is strictly information.